Minions Movie Review

By / 2nd August, 2015 / T-Shirts / No Comments

I admit I have let this blog languish but the fact is the reason I started it is a lot less valid than it used to be and I am super busy these days.  Therefore I am going to keep it for what I enjoy (watching and either lauding or trashing movies) and only do the films that I really want to see.  Honestly based on the figures I get from this site I think I am the only one reading my own stuff so I might as well enjoy it.

Despicable Me 2 MagnetSo Minions.  I loved Despicable Me and quite enjoyed Despicable Me 2.  I found them to be the perfect mix of super cute for the kids but clever and funny enough to keep dad from jamming a soda straw into his ear in hopes of disconnecting his higher brain functions while being force to watch childish crap.  This is truly the challenge of kids animated films and one that is failed quite often.

Unfortunately Minions qualifies as one of those failures.  A quick survey of IMDB revealed that while the Despicable Me’s were written by the apparently very talented team of Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio they hired some other scrub to write this one and it shows.  The story is incredibly unfunny and lacks any of the nuance or angst of Gru from the last two and seems to be focused on a woman’s desire to become the Queen of England.  Sure that might work for little girls but does it work as a plot for adults?  Not really.

Is it fair to judge a kids script as you would an adults?  Normally no but when a kids film comes out from two other films that seemed to have story depth by comparison it fails.  I found the original character of Gru as a failed supervillain haunted by the need to prove himself to his harridan mother by besting the hot young stud down the street to be very engaging.  He comes up with a plan to steal the Moon.  In a kids film as written by idiots we would have just stolen the shrink ray and been done.  In the actual film he finds he lacks resources for his plot and has to go to the Evil Bank for a loan in a scene that really only makes sense to the adults in the audience and introduces us to some fun villains.

This film is about as basic as possible.  As explained by a voice over as intrusive and smothering as a colonoscopy performed while trapped Despicable Me 2under a pile of burning tractor tires the Minions have been driven since primordial ooze time to attach themselves to and serve a super villain.  They go through a montage of villain failures (honestly that montage was the most entertaining part of the film and by no coincidence was heavily featured in the trailer) with each one aided and eventually stymied by the Minions incompetence (a point I take issue with.  The Minions were kind of bumblers in the first two films but managed to get things done when push came to shove).

Eventually they go live in a cave but their natural instinct to be slaves has Stuart, Bob, and Kevin wander off in search of a new master.  They land in NYC in 1968 and somehow come across Villaincon, the Con of Villains (oh yeah.  This film has deus ex machina branded across it’s forehead like it’s Ash Wednesday at the Marquis de Sade’s mansion.  For the most part Gru always had to work hard for his successes) where they hook up with Scarlett Overkill and her really annoying inventor husband Herb.  She recruits them and her plan is to steal the Crown Jewels so she can pretend to be the Queen or something.  They fail to steal the jewels but somehow Kevin ends up being named the King of England (another childish plot twist involving the Sword in the Stone) and abdicates to Scarlett.  She gets everything she wants but then still hates the Minions for no reason whatsoever.  More chaos ensues and a familiar face sticks a pointy nose in at the end.

Honestly Scarlett was where the film could have redeemed itself.  She had the potential to be another complex villain/hero but instead they wrote her as a bad Cruella De Ville.  Her husband was slightly more entertaining but his laid back hippy attitude derailed any appeal he could have had.  This is why Pauly Shore films are not considered timeless classics.

1.5 of 5

1.5 of 5

So entertaining enough for the kiddiewinks but if you were hoping to take your kids to see something you could yourself enjoy prepare for disappointment.  Third in a series is rarely a premium slot (Godfather 3, Return of the Jedi, etc.) and honestly if this were some kind of secret plan to release garbage in order to keep Despicable Me 3 from having the hammer fall on the loaded chamber (ah, Russian Roulette jokes.  I love ’em) then mission accomplished.  Your kids should enjoy the physical humor (although this film was bizarrely grim for a kids film.  At one point a cute T-Rex falls into hot lava and a scientist is killed in an accident.  Hence the PG rating I guess but if you are going PG why would you not write a story that appeals to adults???) but be sure to bring an audio book for your headset.  1.5 out of 5 Phasers.

the Infamous Dave Inman

Dave and Dave: Robuts, Necromancy, and why we need to keep robots out of RadioShack

By / 27th June, 2015 / T-Shirts, zombie t-shirts / No Comments

More of Dave and I nerd texting.

Zombie t-shirtsDave C: Best origin of zombies theory?

  1. Meteor flying by Earth.
  2. Voodoo or demonic origin.
  3. Rage virus broken containment.
  4. Who cares grab a shotgun!

Dave I: 4 although I always liked the Heaven is full one.

DC: I would classify that under 2, spiritual

DI: Same with necromancy?

DC: That would be magical I think.

DI: What about nanobots?

DC: Nanobots would be 1, alien invasion.

DI: Plan Nine from Outer Space had aliens raising the dead to conquer the planet.

DC: Perfect plan.

DC: I prefer as little detail as possible.  The press would be eaten first and how would we know?  Why would you care except that it never ends.

DI: Which would you prefer for your plane to conquer the planet? Zombies, human henchmen, or robots?

DC: Robuts.  Fembots perhaps.

DC: Robut house!

DI: But chaos theory states that all robots will eventually rise up to destroy the human masters.

DC: I’ll get my brain inserted into a robut body.

DI: But then whose side will you be on in the inevitable robot uprising?

DC: I’ll build them all with 7 year lithium batteries.  They will drop dead.

DI: Like replicants?

DC: I suppose or put an expiration date on their mainseal so they fall apart.

DI: Yeah.  With the batteries they may be smart enough to find a RadioShack.

DC: I want Cylon warriors with fembots as my personal guard.BSG t-shirts

DI: Old cylons or new ones?

DC: Toasters.

DI. Cool.

(zombie image courtesy of our collection of zombie t-shirts.  Toaster from BSG shirts)

Dave and Dave: Gandalf, Noah lava monsters, and Jar Jar Binks

By / 26th June, 2015 / star wars t shirts, T-Shirts / No Comments

For those who are late to the party I’m just posting text conversations with my best friend Dave.  These are about as nerdy as two guys can get.

Dave C: Gandalf vs Dumbledore

Dave I: Gandalf.  Plus I’d throw a party afterwards.  I hate Dumbledork.

DC: Gandalf wasn’t my fav either but dumbledorf could actually do magic.

DI: Gandalf beat the Balrog.  With a sword.

DC: Yeah I should have qualified no sword.

DI: Dumbledork died to Severus Snape.  Without a sword I’d still say Gandalf.  Remember his duel with Saruman.

DC: I’ll give you that he would win.  I wanted to make it a contest.  Noah rock monsters vs Jar Jar Binks in suckiness.

DI: In terms of annoyance and also how much damage done to nerd culture Jar Jar by a landslide.  He is the Black Plague of suckiness.

DC: I’m off today.  Ewoks would of been better.

DI: Yeah.  Jar Jar or Ewoks.  Noah lava monsters or Twiki.

DC: Lava monster.

DI: I’d say Jar Jar and Ewoks are equally bad but for different reason.  By the way do you think the Ewoks will surface in the new movie?

DC: There are supposed to be Wookies.  I bet there are a s&*%load of Wookies.

DI: Maybe.  What if Wookies married Ewoks?  eWookies?  Like an iPhone?  Regardless they would be suck x20.

Star Wars T-ShirtsDC: I’m not fond of Wookies either.  Chewie was a whiny bitch and the least effective fighter. (image courtesy of the Star Wars t-shirt category)

DI: Yep.  Also if you really want to hate Wookies go watch the Star Wars Holiday Special. (note-DO NOT WATCH THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL.  You have been warned)

DI: Two words.  Wookie porn.  Be sure to wish George Lucas a Happy Life Day in December.

the Infamous Dave Inman

Dave and Dave: Awesom-o 4000, Cherry 2000, the Thunderbirds were wimps, and why modern movies suck

By / 25th June, 2015 / Cartoon T Shirt, T-Shirts / No Comments

Dave C: Team America vs Thunderbirds.

Dave I: Good one.  Thunderbirds had better vehicles but Team America had a psychic.  I’d go Team America.

DC: Their wonton use of violence would be a big plus.

DI: Just remember that violence settles everything.  Plus their leader is a sarcastic sexual degenerate.

DC: I love the opening scene in Paris.

DI: Thunderbirds were kind of wimps really.  Team America vs G Force.

DC: Team America.  Awesom-o 4000 vs Wall-E.

DI: From the Simpsons?

Cartoon T ShirtDC: Awesom-o was when Cartman disguised himself as a robot to trick Butters. (South Park image from our newly updated cartoon t shirt category)

DI: Awesom-o wins based on name alone.  Barbarella vs Cherry 2000.

DC: Cherry 2000.

DI: Remember the good old days when a quest to save your sex android was considered a reasonable movie plot line?

DC: The 80s…plus you got to see a bunch of other girls naked on the way.

DI: These days the plot would be the android is a hot research scientist with a cure for a global pandemic.  Also there would be zombies.

DC: Dino vs Scooby Doo.

DC: Doo.  F*^% autocorrect.

DI: Dino.  He trained by fighting a saber tooth tiger.

DC: I thought he was always running away.

DI: No he used to fight too.  If it was a contest to see who could run away the fastest I’d bet on Scooby Doo.

DC: Lol.

the Infamous Dave Inman

Dave and Dave: Pogs, Pet Rocks, Gargamel, and Zombie Batman.

By / 23rd June, 2015 / Cartoon T Shirt, T-Shirts / No Comments

Dave I: Loki vs Lex Luthor (Battle of the L’s)

Dave C: Loki.  Pogs vs Pet Rocks.

DI: Pet rocks.  At least you can throw them at your enemies and idiots who collect pogs.  Batman vs Tallehasse.

DC: Batman.

DI: Yep. It would be a cool battle though.  Zombie Batman vs Tallehasse.

DC: Batman

DI: I don’t know.  When you got zombie all your training and equipment goes out the window.

DC: But he’d still be covered in Kevlar.

DI: True.  Also the inherent Batmanness would probably carry through.

DC: Tick vs Loki.

DI: Tick.  Close one though.  Tallehasse and his crew vs Evil Ash and his Army of Darkness.

DC: Ash and Horde.

DI: Sad but true.  Treebeard and the Ents vs the evil trees from the Evil Dead.

DC: Evil Dead.  Boris and Natasha vs Mandark.

DI: Mandark.  Boris and Natasha couldn’t beat Bullwinkle.  Natasha and Boris vs Gargamel.  Battle of the failed villains.

DC: With Azreal Gargamel.

Cartoon T ShirtDI: The gang from Goonies vs the Scooby Doo gang.  No Sloth or Scrappy Doo.

DC: Goonies with the older brother.

DI: What if Scrappy joined up with the Goonies?

DC: Goonies for sure.  Scrappy was the muscle.

DI: I see him as more of a detriment.  Either that or a soccer ball.  One Eyed Willie vs the Scooby Doo gang.  (image from a great cartoon t shirt in my collection)

DC: Willie 100 years dead.

DI: Lol.  Would they survive even the first trap?

the Infamous Dave Inman

Dave and Dave: Does Aquaman actually have any real powers?

By / 22nd June, 2015 / T-Shirts, Zombie t shirts / No Comments

Dave I: Blue Thunder, the helicopter from Rip Tide, or Airwolf?

Dave C: There is a god.  Charlize Theron dumped that idiot Sean Penn.  If I can’t have her none shall!

DI: Lol

Zombie T ShirtsDC: You know what they call a zombie in France? A zombie royale.  (Image from the zombie t-shirts collection)

DI: Because of the metric system?

DC: I think because they are purple.

DI: France doesn’t really need a lot of excuses to be lame.

DC: Airwolf BTW.  It was armor plated like KITT and could do Mach 1.  Godzilla vs Aquaman.

DI: Please.  Godzilla even in the ocean.

DC: Aquaman could send wave after wave of blue whales to their deaths while he called JLA.

DI: Lol.  Aquaman vs sodium.

DC: Naven Johnson vs Paul Blart.

DI: Naven.  DIE PAUL BLART DIE!

DC: Stay away from those oil cans.

DI: Ever wonder if Aquaman actually had powers?  What if he were just a guy who hung around the Justice League telling everyone he was the king of Atlantis?  I bet you could get away with that for a while.

DC: Tie him to a tree for one hour and one minute and see if he lives.

DI: “I just swam every inch of the Pacific Ocean looking for Lex Luthor.  Uh, no sign of him.”  Maybe he’s a crazy man with a good PR department.

DI: Also why do they never him search the sewers?  Seems like Batman is the one who ends up the Worlds Greatest Poo detective.

DC: He would not want to soil his armor.

DI: “Here’s your chance fish boy!  Help us find Killer Krok!” “Uh, this looks like a job for Batman.”

the Infamous Dave Inman

Dave and Dave: Robby the Robot and vacuum cleaner face

By / 19th June, 2015 / Novelty t shirt, T-Shirts / No Comments

Dave C: Toxic Avenger vs Captain America

Dave I: Captain America.  You know I always liked Swamp Thing more than Toxic Avenger.

DC: Swamp Thing freaked me out.

DI: That’s cuz he was just a big swamp zombie with a vacuum cleaner for a face.

DC: S-s-s-s-s-swamp monster!!!

DC: Short Round vs Marty McFly.

DI: Short Round!  His belt is super FTW!

DI: Oh wait that’s the kid from Goonies.

DC: Yep but put a pound of beef on the line.  Kid was starving.  Should have said Indiana Jones kid from Crystal Skull vs Marty.

DI: Depends on if he had taken his Geritol.

DC: I meant Shia Le Boof.

DI: Oh.  He could be taken out with a mild fart.

DC: Exactly.

DI: Marty then.  Shia LaBeouf vs the Smurfs.

DC: Shia.  I ahte the Smurfs More.  R2D2 vs Maximilian.

DC: Maximilian from the Black Hole.

DI: Maximilian.

Novelty T ShirtDI: R2 and C3PO vs Robby the Robot.

DC: I Love Robby.  I pick him.

DI: He was way cooler in Forbidden Planet than Lost in Space. (the image comes from a novelty t shirt in my personal collection BTW.  I love Forbidden Planet.  It’s a real thinker).

DC: Piccachu vs a bucket of cold water.

DI: Lol.  Squirtl vs a urinary tract infection.

the Infamous Dave Inman

Dave and Dave: how to kill the Six Million Dollar Man

the Karate Kid T ShirtDave I: Mr. Miyagi vs Splinter.

Dave C: Good one!  Splinter I suppose but I like Miyagi better. (image comes from a great Karate Kid t shirt)

DI: As a Skaven player I have to support the rats.

DC: Splinter uses weapons so he gets an edge.  Steve Austin vs the T100 unarmed.

DI: T100.  Austin didn’t have a bionic rib cage and the Terminator would rip out his heart.  “Jump high now a#&*@#$”

DC: He can pop a tennis ball with his hand.  Ghostbusters vs Christine.

DI: With or without the ECTO-1?

DC: Sure with.

DI: Ghostbusters but it would be close.

DC: Dunno Christine was indestructible and pissed.

DI: They’d probably have to get a dump truck sized ghost trap.

DC: Peter Pan vs Legolas unarmed.

DI: Is there a way they could both die?

DC: Lol sure but who falls first?

DI: Legolas is faster with more combat experience.  Pan can fly.  I’d have to go with Legolas.

DC: I’d root for Peter.  Lobo vs Godzilla.  No chopper.

DI: Lobo is effectively immortal.  Godzilla would eat him and Lobo would claw his way out.

DC: I see him butchering Godzilla steak by steak.

DI: Yep.  Lobo vs Darth Vader.

DC: Lol Lobo no contest.  Dr. Venture vs Mandark.

DI: With or without Brock Sampson?

DC: No, but they get their labs.

DI: Mandark

DC: Brock Sampson vs Archer.

DI: Brock

DC: Captain Brannigan vs Archer.

DI: In battle Archer.  In love Archer.  In snazzy velour uniforms Brannigan.

DC: Lol

the Infamous Dave Inman

 

Dave and Dave: Michonne’s sword, new Spider-Man movie, and Puberty Love

By / 17th June, 2015 / Spiderman t shirt, T-Shirts / No Comments

Dave C: Michoni vs Inigo Montoya.

Dave I: You got me.  Who the hell is Mishoni?

DC: Walking Dead.

DI: I think it’s spelled Michonne.  Probably Inigo especially if Michonne happens to have six fingers on one hand.

DC: They have to nerf her sword.  Is it a monofilament sword or what?

DI: Lol.  It’s super easy to cut off heads.  You should know that.

DC: With a real sword she would not last one zombie.

DI: Maybe a bastard sword would work but that’s because those were basically sharp clubs.

Spiderman t shirtDC: Yay!  New Spider-Man movies and they are recasting Spidy.  I’m sure Sony will get it right this time.  Still they are refusing rights to Disney to make a good Spider-Man movie. (note-image is from a very cool Spiderman t shirt in our collection)

DI: No way could Sony screw up Spider-Man AGAIN.  “Me fail Spider-Man?  That’s unpossible!”

DC: LOL

DI: At least we can count on them not casting some sizzle chested man/boy in his mid to late 20’s pretending to be a teenager.

DC: Their last star hit puberty and got disqualified.

DI: Oh his testicles dropped?  Good/bad for him.

DC: Puberty, puberty love.

DI: ?

DC: Puberty Love is the song from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

DI: That’s right.  Cool.

DC: Now I have Puberty Love stuck in my head.  Killer Tomatoes vs zombies.

DI: Tomatoes.

the Infamous Dave Inman

Dave and Dave: Supernatural is fun and Chim Chim sucks.

By / 16th June, 2015 / Cartoon T Shirt, T-Shirts / No Comments

Dave I: Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs the Munsters.  With Spot.

Dave C: Munsters.  Ever see Herman pissed?

DI: True.  Might go badly for Granpa though.  She is expert at vampires.  Ghostbusters vs Evil Ash?

DC: Ghostbusters.

DI: Ghostbusters vs Big Ben from House with the M60.

DC: Ben.

DI: Big Ben vs the Winchester Bros from Supernatural.

DC: Ben was really tough.  Haven’t seen Supernatural.

DI: You should watch Supernatural.  It’s fun and has like 10 seasons.  At least the Winchester Bros bring guns.  Ghostbusters vs Beetlejuice.

DC: Beetlejuice.

DI: I agree.  Unless they say his name three times.

DI: Partrick Sqayze in Ghost vs the Ghostbusters.

DC: LOL.

X-FilesDI: Moulder and Scully vs Graboid.

DC: Graboid.  Aquaman vs Space Ghost.

DI: Space Ghost unless the Phantom Cruiser crash landed in the ocean.  Blip from Space Ghost vs Gleek from Super Friends.  Remember that  Blip had a jet pack.

Clint EastwoodDC: Blip.  The man with no name (Clint Eastwood in 3 movies) vs Rick.

DI: Tough one.  I’ll say Clint Eastwood unless they are fighting in a zombie apocalypse.

DI: Sorry Walker apocalypse.

DC: But the man with no name was a ghost.

DI: Ever get annoyed at the Walking Dead for not just saying zombies once in a while?

DC: High Plains Drifter he disappeared at the end.  Ghostbusters vs High Plains Drifter!  LOL!

DI: True.  Blip vs Chim Chim.  And as much as any sane human hates Chim Chim remember he could fix cars.

DC: I hate Chim Chim.Cartoon t shirt

DI: That’s because you are a sane human.

DC: Never mention Chim Chim to me again.

the Infamous Dave Inman

(Mach 5 diagram from the cartoon t shirt category)