As I have been hinting, I actually have had something lined up for a big finish towards the end of the year, and now I am going to start. This is the goal we have been working towards and dream of achieving.
Now, before we get into it, as always I have to make a proper introduction and qualify my terms lest certain of my friends rip organs I am fond of off my body. Like I said at the beginning of this whole dating thing my goal is not to teach you how to simply get laid. The fact is, I have never been very good at the whole “one night stand” pick up thing. We are trying to get you a girlfriend. Trust me when I say this is more than enough for most of you. If you want to know how to pick up a different girl every night look for other blogs. Personally I think if you are still reading this you really don’t have the skills, looks, or alcohol tolerance to pull that off anyway.
So basically we are talking about going in for the first kiss/makeout session. I don’t think I will try to talk you past 2nd or 3rd base unless there is a serious demand. I am not creating that kind of blog. I am sure you should be able to find some kind of site that has material of an adult nature SOMEWHERE on the web that can help you (although most women don’t really do what porn girls do, so look for something a little more instructive that outright porn).
First kiss is important, if only because it helps you define your desires and intentions to her. It says “I am here to be your boyfriend, not your friend.” Girls in general are shockingly insecure, and if you don’t go for the kiss they tend to think that there is something wrong with them or you or both. If you wait too long you WILL get a “Let’s be friends speech.” If you go in too early you will (most likely) creep her out and she will bail.
The good guideline should be sometime between the 3rd and 5th date. Kissing can occur on the 1st or 2nd date, but in that case it should be her who initiates the action, not you. If you go five full dates with no kiss, lose her number. It isn’t worth your time and/or money to keep pursuing it, as she will reject you.
The thing to remember about dating is it’s not like a marathon where if you just keep moving your feet you will eventually get to the finish line. It is more like a full 40 man raid attempt on a World of Warcraft boss. Every attempt requires everyone doing all things perfectly, and all you need is one mis-key, bad placement, or minor mistake to wipe the whole raid and force you to restart completely. Even if everyone does everything perfectly you can still have all kinds of bad RNG mess you up. This is the kill shot, and the timing on this has to be good. If not, run back from the graveyard and line up another shot on the next girl. (Classically Trained Raider image courtesy of the World of Warcraft t-shirt category).
By the way, my friend Dave and I have been doing the “Who would win” game via text lately and it’s really fun, so I think from now on I will end each post with one for you. I will report my personal answer plus anyone who wants to comment on the next post. Here is the first:
Who would win, Skynet from Terminator vs the Justice League of America without Superman?
OK, this is the last post on bad dance moves, then we can get into good stuff. I’m going to run through a big list pretty fast. If you need clarification feel free to Google them or just post a question for me on this blog.
The Sprinkler-in addition to breaking the hand line, this is just lame looking.
The Butter Churner-does this one even need an explaination?
The Running Man-if you want a dance move that, in addition to highlighting your inability to dance, also shows your date that you have no athletic ability as well, this is the one for you.
The Spank-you are not sexy enough to get a way with pretending to spank either your date or yourself. You will look like a moron. Also, it draws your dates attention to your fundament, and unless you do about 1000 deep knee bends a day, odds are likely you want to keep her attention elsewhere.
The Dice Cast-pretending you have dice in your hand and are throwing them is a good way to look like a complete tool. Also, as you probably have a lot of experience playing games involving assorted dice, it just might look too natural (dice shirt image courtesy of the Dungeons & Dragons t shirt category).
Raising the Roof-again, hand line.
The Moonwalk-trust me, in addition to looking pretty lame, you can’t do it.
Anything country-ish-Seriously, anything that smacks of line dancing or Achy Breaky (or worse, the Hoe Down) should be left in the cow towns. If your date is seriously into this either run screaming into the night or go to a place that actually does hillbilly jug dancing.
Hammer Time-if you are overcome by the urge to spread your knees and shuffle back and forth ala MC Hammer, once you are done just pay the bill and head home, as you aren’t getting anywhere tonight.
The Napoleon Dynamite dance-true, he epitomizes nerdom and got a standing ovation when he did it in the movie, but there are three reasons to not do it: first, he spent weeks practicing that particular dance, which I am willing to bet you haven’t done. Two, his dance violates about three million of the no-go dance rules I have already stated. Third, and most importantly, it’s a fictional movie, and we are firmly ensconced in reality. If movies could be real life, then why not hook electrodes to a Barbie doll, wear bras on your head, and somehow create a super hot woman? It worked in Weird Science. Another movie that failed me miserably was Real Genius. Great movie, but the idea that someone in Hollywood really believes that there are super hot women out there desperate to sleep with high IQ men is totally offensive. It’s like a movie shot on nerd Bizarro world.
Sorry, I ran off the rails a little there. Back to bad dance moves.
The Mummy (or Walk Like an Egyption)-as much as a fan of Bananarama as I am, this band will burn in hell for inventing this dance move.
The Macarena- not only should you not ever do this dance, but if you see another guy doing it you should take him out back and beat the crap out of him. It’s for his own good, and the good of humanity in general.
The Light Bulb-this is the one where you raise each arm up and twist your hand like you are changing a light bulb. It technically does not violate the hand line but is in serious danger of making you look like a total twit.
And finally, the Funky Chicken-this is where you fold both hands into your armpits and flap your elbows around. It’s great in that you can look like two different animals at the same time; a chicken, and an ass.
These dances are presented in no particular order (mainly because I am too lazy to actually order them) and is also in no way comprehensive. New, even more horrible dances are being invented every night like some kind of mad scientist laboratory bent on creating a new race of atomic superman dance moves that will one day conquer the world but instead creates horrible mutations that get flushed into the sewer known as the dance clubs. There are also any number of bad old dance movies stealthily resurfacing like an unregistered sexual predator moving into your neighborhood. Just use this as a guideline and try to learn from any other mistakes you make. Also, if you can think of any obvious moves I missed feel free to post them as comments.
Next post we actually get into good things to do while dancing.
Now, in an attempt to prove that the world is as surreal as possible, I will give you some basic instructions on how to dance.
As usual, I will start with the negative and end with the positive. Here is a list of dancing do-not-do’s:
First of all, imagine a horizontal line at your collar bone that extends in all directions. This is the gay line. Under no circumstances while on the dance floor can your hands extend above that line, or you will spill whatever reservoir of machismo you have built up during the evening on the floor like a broken water balloon (by the way, I have no issue with gay guys, and have often thought how much easier my life would be if I were gay (smarter friends, more successful, better dresser. It’s just the sex with men part I can’t get past), but this post is to help straight men date straight women so I have to keep things in order).
Secondly, never dance with a drink in your hand. Girls can do it and get away with it. Guys in general (and odds are you in particular) need their full attention while dancing. Also, drinking your drink while dancing will break that line I talked about last paragraph. So leave your drink on the table, even if your date brings hers along (incidentally, you might notice that some women are very hesitant to leave drinks unattended or with guys they don’t know particularly well. I guess it might be fear of Roofies, which is a legitimate concern. If there are any women reading this, Roofies mixed with alcohol produces a bitter taste, and the newer ones have a blue dye in it that will turn light drinks blue).
(poison mushroom image courtesy of the video game t shirt category)
Thirdly, never dance in a circle. You will look like an idiot. Also, don’t move around the floor a lot. Walk to your spot and just dance there. You don’t have the skill to actually walk and dance at the same time. Again, remember that focus.
I’m actually having a lot of fun working on this list, so I think I will continue on tomorrows post. That will give me time to think of other bad dance moves I have seen or done.
During my last few posts, I mentioned having something in mind to suggest when you talk to the girl. In fact, as I said in one of them, you should have a couple ideas, as girls almost universally say no to the first thing you suggest. In fact, it behooves you to have several ideas, all from different categories, to suggest.
First of all, let me get into what you should not suggest.
Unless you absolutely, positively know that she is a super nerd (and in which case, I am very jealous myself) do not suggest any of your normal nerd activities. This include anything comic book related, gaming, video game, or anything for which you can and have attended a convention. In fact, even if she is a nerd I would suggest staying away from these as most people don’t want to reveal their nerdishness to quickly.
D&D is a bad idea (shirt image courtesy of the gaming t shirt category)
Honestly, avoid anything that you can’t explain in two lines or less, or only you and your friend seems aware of.
Remember what I said about remaining mysterious and not revealing too much too soon. Women are like Sherlock Holmes when it comes to interpreting guys they are dating, and anything you tell her about yourself can be interpreted into something bad. Suggesting something you personally know a lot about and love will give her a window into your personality. As a rule keep first date activities as anonymous as possible.
Of course, anonymous is not the same as dull and boring. We’ll get more into that later on.