Another text conversation with Dave and Dave: Time Travel
So another weird conversation with my best friend Dave. Today’s subject: time travel!
Dave I: If you could go back in time what is the first thing you’d do?
Dave C: Tame a dinosaur.
DI: I’d probably go back to when my dad was still drinking and beat the s&%$ out of him.
DC: LOL good thought.
DI: Then jump to 1985 and beat the s&%$ out of three guys and myself for being such a goober. Time travel involves a lot of violence for me.
DC: You’re killing me. I’d go back to the time when I could have slept with all the girls that I could have then wreak vengeance on almost everyone else. Carol at Nichols (note: a place Dave and I both worked at) is first on the list. I had my chance and screwed it up big big.
DI: Yep. I’d tell myself to ask out Ginger and then not to tell Lisa from Nichols my age until the morning after.
DC: Ginger would have married you and turned you into me.
DI: Of course the real answer is go back and invent Facebook.
DC: I’d go back and make sure Facebook was never invented.
DI: LOL. Either that or create 10,000,000,000 temporal clones and conquer the planet.
DI: Also find the chick who cancelled Firefly and run her over with my car. She should be careful. It will be a nerd who invents time travel and he or she will be looking for payback. Maybe not kill her but make sure her parents never kiss at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in high school. (note: the image comes from one of the Firefly tshirts I wear all the time)
DC: LOL. It may not have caught on if it hadn’t been cancelled and we would be stuck with Muppets Avengers.
DI: Good point. This changing the history is hard.
DC: Ow my area!
DI: I’d like to go back and use my super future powers to impress and date Mary Tyler Moore. Or maybe Audrey Hepburn.
DC: Hahaha. I’d help Hefner invent Playboy.
DI: Knowing my luck it would morph into Highlights Magazine.
DC: Tell Terry Pratchet to lay off the diet soda and tuna. Take out Lucas before he did Jedi.
DI: Good one. Of course some other moron would have taken over and likely done something even more horrible.
DC: He fired all the writers that would have done Jedi. It would have been good.
DC: Which is the worse affront to humanity: all Star Wars post Empire or Red Tails?
DI: Good question. Red Tails was abysmal but at least no one really watched it. I’d have to say the bad Star Wars.
DC: Which would you rather see 3X in a row: Phantom Menace or Red Tails.
DI: Can’t I just choose to die horribly? Phantom Menace I guess but that’s like choosing to lose your testicles completely or keeping one ball.
DI: I’d like to do some time travel practical jokes. Like giving the guys signing the Declaration of Independence disappearing ink.
DC: Beastmaster’s Tanya Roberts or Dragon Slayers Caitlin Clarke?
DI: I liked Tanya’s costume better but Caitlin Clarke.
DC: Caitlin Clarke = no costume in the movie.
DI: Caitlin or Joan of Arc from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
DC: No brainer Jane Whelen.
DC: I had a huge crush on her since Some Kind of Wonderful.
DI: Yeah I liked that film too.
DC: Plus the hot limo driver was a ringer for my dead girlfriend Leah. Mary Stewart Masterson.
Like most of our text conversation this one ran out of steam at that point. I’m sure I’ve improved the collective value of Western literature by sharing this with you but honestly I think these conversations are hilarious.
the Infamous Dave Inman