By / 22nd January, 2011 / Horror movie t shirts, T-Shirts / 1 Comment

Movie Review: The Green Hornet

OK, I admit I have been holding back on seeing this movie because I was hoping to bring a certain girl with me.  Last night it happened and we had fun, although I don’t know where the whole dating thing is going, so I will have to see.  I am sure one way or another it will turn into a future blog post for you folks. I do like the girl a lot so I am very hopeful.

So I saw the Green Hornet last night in 3D.  I normally would have not seen it so as 3D often gives me a headache, but I wanted to see this movie at it’s best potential in hopes that the 3D effect would greatly enhance the experience.  Sadly, it did not.  The movie is, honestly, no better for being in 3D and truly the 3D effects are not really all that great.  I think the producers just went with brand X of 3D rather than the premium brand.  It looks like it was filmed in 2D and had 3D added in post production.

Anyway, the synopsis.  Seth Rogan loses about 80 pounds to play Britt Reid, the spoiled decadent son of a rich newspaper owner.  His father, in the about 30 seconds he was alive and on the screen, is a controlling, abusive jerk who somehow is still cool with funding Britt’s extravagant hedonistic lifestyle instead of cutting him off and making him work for a living like a responsible parent would.  His two interactions with Britt mostly involve telling him what a loser and disappointment he is.  He dies, Britt inherits everything, and Britt meets Kato (Jay Chao), his father’s mechanic and apparent martial arts expert.  They accidentally rescue some couple from trouble, decide to become superheros while pretending to be villains (???), Britt takes over his father’s empire Beverly Hillbillies style, they run across the world worst criminal kingpin (the great Christopher Waltz, from Inglorius Bastards, and the only character in the movie I remotely liked), and chaos ensues.  Guns, explosions, car chases, and every attempt to make the LAPD look like complete morons follow course (I guess Seth Rogans years of ducking the police while trying to score pot played a hand in the script writing).  Cameron Diaz shows up in a completely unnecessary role as the super hot temp worker (how many of those do we run into every day?) who happens to have degrees in Journalism and Criminal Justice and plays yet another comic relief character.

I say another comic relief character but the fact is they were all comic relief characters.  What this movie needed was an action relief character.  Honestly, the super hero in a comic movie should not be the funny one.  His side kick should be.  Instead, Britt was a moron throughout the film showing no ability in any regard to actually be a hero other than having a capable assistant and being freakishly lucky.  His main plan sucked like Hitler’s to invade Russia, and all his lesser plans sucked too.  Kato was supposed to be the straight man, I guess, but he couldn’t help but be funny as well.  Cameron Diaz was eye candy if you are into waifish blond women and was funny too.  Even the villain, who started out kind of serious, got to be a joke by the end when he decided the thing to do to fight a super hero was to become some kind of campy super villain.  Enough with the humor.  Is it so much to ask that super hero movies at some level take the story at all seriously?  I found myself not rooting for anyone in the movie.  I didn’t want to see the Green Hornet fail and die, but honestly couldn’t be bothered to care if he lived and succeeded.

Lets do the stars.  Super hero movie.  One star.  The Green Hornets car is truly amazing and bad ass, even without the machine guns and stuff.  Two stars.  They shot some of Kato’s fight scenes using a cool “inside his mind’s eye” technique that was pretty neat.  One star.  While the story kind of sucked, most of the dialogue was pretty good.   One star.  In spite of wanting an action movie there were scenes and dialogue that made me laugh out loud.  One star.  They didn’t try to baby up the story by having the heroes operate under the burden of never killing anyone.  One star.  Cameron Diaz was pretty hot.  One star.  The fight choreography was decent, and they paid tribute to Bruce Lee by having Kato repeat the famous “One Inch Punch.”  One star.  Cinematography, sets, props, and special effects were all at least good.  One star.  Total:  10 stars.

Now the black holes.  There was no understanding of any single characters motivation at any level.  Britt had no real compulsion to become a super hero.  Kato didn’t need to be his sidekick.  The villain did all kinds of things that made no sense.  Two black holes.  The story had gaping holes in the plot you could drive a Mack truck through.  One black hole.  The 3D was mediocre and added nothing to the movie.  One black hole.  The characters were yucking it up for laughs the whole time.  One black hole.  The “hero” was a spoiled little moron with all the abilities of a hydroponically grown hemp plant.  One black hole.  The whole script was trying to seamlessly merge Batman Returns with the Three Stooges meet Frankenstein.  One black hole.  About half the action strained my suspension of disbelief so much I think it gave it a double hernia.  One black hole.  Total: 9 black holes.

So a net of one star.  Overall I’d say the movie was stupidly entertaining, but only if you don’t expect to get much from it.  You and your life will not in any way be enhanced for having seen it, so if you have two hours and a few excess brain cells to kill go for it.  Otherwise go see the other color/animal movie out there, Black Swan.

As for last posts who-would-win question, prom superstar Carrie versus super hot teen queen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I am going to have to go with Buffy.  While Carrie has great abilities and an awesome dress, the fact is Buffy has beaten any number of villains with similar or greater powers.  Sorry, Carrie (image courtesy of the horror movie t shirt category).

As long as I am in the mode of girl on girl fights, I present the question of who would win, Buffy the Vampire Slayer versus Xena, Warrior Princess?

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