Nerd Dating: Dating with Physical Activity Part 1

So I was preparing myself to watch Hop last night (any by preparing I mean punching myself in the stomach repeatedly to build up a tolerance for the incoming pain) and at the last minute decided my last few weeks have been difficult enough, despite my desire to see something Bat-nipple bad in order to write a funny review.  However, I took a look at a couple of the recent reviews I did for decent movies and decided they were not without literary merit.  I looked online for the Grand Lake Cinema, which is closer to me and tends to show artsier movies.  The only problem is they don’t have $5 movies twice a week.  Low and behold, Limitless, a movie I had intended to see a few weeks ago but missed, was playing at 7.  I had about 10 minutes to get there so I rushed out and made it with about 30 seconds to spare only to find there is apparently another Grand Lake Cinema in Colorado that apparently shows up higher on Google results.  Ironically, Hop was playing at 7, so it seems fate is pushing me to see that animated Easter pile of dung (I did read a few other reviews before making that statement, and now stand by it.  From what I have seen when do get around to watching it there appears to be plenty of writing fodder).

However, as I have been know to say upon occasion, fate is a fickle bitch, and I for one refuse to kowtow to her every whimsy.  I turned around, went home, and did my laundry.  Of course, that leaves me with the burning question of what do write about today, but I think I have gotten into a lazy habit of using the film reviews as an excuse to think less, so I will got back to my old friend, nerd dating.

The idea of dates that involve physical activity of some kind I touched on briefly earlier, but think it rates expansion.  The fact is a large number of nerds (myself included, unfortunately) approach physical activity with the same relish as they would a sewage sandwich liberally smeared with Branston’s Pickle and mucus.  However, in addition to the massive medical and body image improvements that can be gleaned from doing something active, it also makes for an awesome date.

In general, women like doing physical stuff.  More importantly, even if they don’t they want the guy they date to be into it.  If your first three dates are all along the lines of dinner and a movie they will probably come to the (correct) assumption that you are a couch potato, and therefore from a primitive biological evolutionary standpoint less likely to kill a moose in order to provide for them and their offspring, thus ensuring that their DNA is successfully passed on to the next generation.  Also, if you are wondering if there are any other reasons to get more fit, never forget the impeding zombie apocalypse.  It is coming.

Not only do women like doing physical stuff, but in many cases it is quite the aphrodisiac.  If you spend an afternoon playing tennis with her and she gets really turned on by it, guess what is the closest thing to a man in her line of sight?

So what are some good physical dates that are fun, inexpensive, and won’t leave you sucking oxygen 500 yards behind your potential date?  Here are a few.

Bicycling-running is right out, as most of you can’t go more than a block or so without passing out or injuring a knee (by the way, there aren’t a lot of turn offs stronger than getting hurt and hauled off in an ambulance doing an activity considered normal by humans, like running).  Bicycling is pretty easy, however, and fun if you can do it in a casual manner.  Make absolutely sure your date doesn’t do Triathlons or even know when the Tour de France runs, or you will look like a loser as she laps you for the 8th time.  Best would be if she doesn’t even have a bike and you can rent one for her.  As an aside (sorry if any of you find this observation sexist, but I am a straight male) having a girl ride a bike in front of you can do a lot to enhance the scenery, if you know what I mean.

Hiking-I have never met a girl who didn’t claim to like hiking, even if they secretly hate it.  I think when women hit puberty they all receive a gift package of a training bra, assorted feminine products of a suspiciously vague nature (odds are I happier not knowing what they are, but if there were ever a worldwide conspiracy by women to enslave men (and who’s to say there isn’t?  Or that it hasn’t already happened and we never noticed?) they could easily smuggle weapons and secret documents in packages marked with the word “freshness”), male guilt projectors (possibly located in the bosom), and a liking of hiking.  It is physical, close to nature, and usually has good scenery.  Also, it is the two of you alone in the woods, which can lead to other physical activities.  Finally, while it is a great chance to talk, if you feel the strain of maintaining a conversation has gotten burdensome it is perfectly acceptable to hike in silence, thus enhancing the grandeur of nature or something.

Also, earlier I said getting carted off in an ambulance doing something normal like running is a huge turn off.  However, getting hurt while doing something unusual like hiking is often a huge turn on.  Twisting an ankle, getting bit by a rattlesnake, or being mauled while protecting your girl from a mountain lion will elicit so much sympathy sex you won’t know what hit you, assuming you survive.  Crafting a makeshift crutch out of a tree branch and limping out will greatly enhance this.  On the other hand, poison ivy, chiggers, or ticks are just gross and will get you nothing, so be careful.

I think that’s it for today.  Tomorrow I’ll talk about some other stuff you can do that fits in this category in more detail.

I think I am ready to answer the Aquaman versus Wonder Twins question.  Honestly, I kind of hope they manage to kill each other off, leaving only Gleep standing among their corpses, but I think I will have to give it to the Wonder Twins.  I think Jan would fail miserably, as any sea animal she turned into Aquaman could probably command, but if Jayce just turned into water and then used it to strangle Aquaman I don’t think he could do anything about it.  Kind of a weirdly complicated question.  (Aquaman image courtesy of the DC comic t shirts)

For today I pull a topical question: who would win, the Punisher verses Fidel Castro?

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