What to Expect When You’re Expecting Movie Review
Expect a lot of pain.
I actually want to thank the producers of this film because it has helped answer a question that has bugged me for years: what would it be like to be water boarded for 110 minutes? I might have gleaned something else on the prospect of kids and parenthood in my life, but in spite of this films best effort to convince me otherwise I think I still want to one day have a wife and kids (or some kind of android synthetic or VR equivalent, both of which seem more likely based on my current dating success rate).
Assemblage scripts are garbage designed to crowbar as much star appeal into a movie with minimum effort as possible. While this film was slightly more tolerable than New Years Eve in both story and acting effort, it still had that convoluted multiple character/story thing that results in the audience never really connecting to or caring about any of the characters. They all blur into a mundane paste of faces normally occupied by supporting characters. Each substory in turn is grossly undeveloped and comprised entirely of every pregnancy cliche in the history of the universe.
That being said, the director of this one (Kirk Jones-Nanny McPhee, Waking Ned Divine, Everybody’s Fine) at least made some effort to throw in some character development that had a little potential, but they were universally premature and undeveloped (haw!). The entire film suffers from the curse of Trying to do Too Much. There is a reason most good movies have a protagonist in one form or another, and one main story line with a few sub plots. Following the lives of five different couples is like trying to follow the lives of five of your friends, and we all know how hard that gets. I don’t go to the movies to work harder than I do in my real life.
Anyway, the story is of a bevy of insanely hot girls getting knocked up by their lame husbands, boyfriends, or one night stands. Cameron Diaz (Something About Mary, Gangs of New York, the Green Hornet) is a reality TV celebrity who gets knocked up by her dance show partner (Matthew Morrison-Glee, Dan in Real Life, Music and Lyrics) and has to balance pregnancy with her celebrity life. Jennifer Lopez (Gigli, Monster-in-Law, the Cell (very underrated movie IMO)) was looking super hot as the infertile unemployed photographer trying to adopt an Ethiopian orphan with her husband (Rodrigo Santoro-I Love you Phillip Morris, 300, Rio). Elizabeth Banks (the Hunger Games, the 40 Year Old Virgin, the Next Three Days) plays a baby store owner who desperately wants to have a baby with her wimpy husband Gary (Ben Falcone-Bridesmaids, Smiley Face, Garfield: a Tail of Two Kitties) who has series daddy issues with his race car father (Dennis Quaid-Vantage Point, the Day After Tomorrow, Frequency). His dad is also going to have twins with his perfect wife Skyler (Brooklyn Decker-Battleship, Just Go With It). Meanwhile, young food truck owners Marco (Chase Crawford-Covenant, Gossip Girl, Twelve) and Rosie (Up in the Air, Scott Pilgrim Versus the World, 50/50) get knocked up after a one night stand.
Really, that’s pretty much all you need about the story. The rest of the film plays out like a Chinese restaurant menu that only serves pregnancy cliches. One from column A, two from column B, etc. The closest thing to actual hardship is from Rosie and Marco, and the rest of them seem to be living in an idyllic world where discomfort and hardship are at worst temporary situations. There’s also a “dudes” group of daddies who punctuate the rest of the lame stories with some of the most emasculating testicle destroying dialog since Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Seriously, these guys are exactly the whipped boobs every guy fears turning into when presented with the prospect of marriage and kids. I don’t know what the director was thinking about shoving them into this thing, or how much they had to pay Chris Rock to agree to participate.
Anyway, the stars. A hotter bunch of women you will not find in this universe. One star. As much as I would like to just dump all over this film in all ways, there were a few cliche driven laughs. One star. I will award a star for this movie a star for sticking to it’s PG-13 guns and not showing any graphic birthing scenes. There are some things that cannot be unseen. One star. One of the food trucks specialized in bacon. One star for deliciousness (Bacon image courtesy of the Funny T Shirt category). Total: four stars.
The black holes. Five different intertwined stories, none of which I could give a damn about. One black hole. Most of the stories were undeveloped, trite, and uninteresting. One black hole. This script fell out of the cliche tree and hit every branch. One black hole. Predictable as hell. One black hole. Pacing really dragged on at points. One black hole. Kids are cute, but parents generally suck. One black hole. Somehow they cast two guys who look like they went to the same high school together as father and son. Also, for the most part I hated all the male characters. One black hole. The “dudes” group insulted both my intelligence and machismo. Two black holes. Total: nine black holes.
Grand total of five black holes. Not great. Worth seeing? Not if you respect your testosterone. Date movie? In one sense yes, in that she will probably love it and be thinking about what could be. On the other hand, if you are not into having kids this may start her down a path that could have unexpected results. If you don’t want to have kids and she suggests it I’d say run screaming into the night. Bathroom break? This is another film that has the sideways benefit having no moments be critical to the story. You can cut out at any point and be fine. However, if you feel like you want to retain the desire to continue urinating standing up you will miss as much of the “dudes” group scenes as possible.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading this more than I did watching it, although honestly that wouldn’t take much. Nothing on deck for tomorrow or the next day. I’ll see what I can do for Friday but am going to Kublacon and might not be able to see much. Also on the 6th I am going to Italy for 11 days so I will not be reviewing anything for a while. Jason might still post some stuff. Follow me on Twitter @NerdKungFu. If you have a comment about this movie or review feel free to post it here. Off topic questions or suggestions can be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org. Talk to you soon.