More careers. I think there is something going on here where I feel good about myself by making fun of all the boring and/or better jobs out there than I have. More fodder for my future therapist, I guess. Of course, I really love my job, but it would be nice to make the kind of money all the overpaid morons out there are making. I’m going to get into some more esoteric things today, as well as some weird sub categories.
Day Trader. This person really wants you to think he is like a successful stockbroker, but the truth is much uglier. It is (usually) a guy who is unemployed but had $6-10,000 in the bank when he was laid off or fired. He spends all day in front of his computer losing about $100 a day on average basically playing Farmville online with real money. All they are really doing is giving the brokerages money for each transaction. The bad part is they always have some story about how they were up $1.8 million at one point, but somehow are mysteriously back down to $7254 again. The good part is if you are not sucked in when you see that they live in their parents basement you should (<–hopefully) be able to tell what kind of loser they really are.
Life coach. I don’t know if you see these in other parts of the country, but somehow I seem to run into one of these every six months or so. These are motivational speakers and people who tell other losers how to get their life in order. I always picture them sitting with their client and saying something like “OK, try breathing.” I haven’t dated any, as I have a hard time taking them seriously, but they are a bit of a conundrum to me. I can’t figure out how they actually make money, but somehow they always have enough for a nice dinner out and a decent car, but never enough for a house. They tend to be pretty positive, so if you want someone who can make you feel better about yourself both by giving you positive affirmations and by being slightly more pathetic than you or any of your friends, go for it. On the other hand, it seems their constant advice giving would wear on you after a while.
Midwife. This is a weird sub category of the medical field. These women (if you meet a male midwife call the police) are either failed nurses or uber New Age chicks who think giving birth in agony with no drugs in a bathtub is good for the kid. They are rarely seen in public outside of the local organic food collective (aka Trader Joes) or Lillith Fair, so online dating is often a resource they fall on to. They are usually about as hippy dippy as you can get, don’t drink but are very cool with pot, and if they don’t have kids themselves are painfully bitter about it and driven to have one before they have to resort to actual medical science to be able to procreate. Also, they are chock full of advice for any parents around them, so if you happen to be a single parent you can expect an extra special level of hell.
Business Annalist. This is the male Republican version of the midwife (I am sure there are female business annalists out there, but have yet to meet one). Their job is to coach companies into giving birth to younger, better versions of themselves that now need to be diapered every day. They tend to be extremely opinionated about pretty much everything, and feel no one likes them because they spend all day telling people they suck at their jobs. There are two types, really. The first is the guy who uses words like “synergy” all the time and tries to make the company use new technology and processes to be more efficient. He is kind of a bastard. The second is the guy who uses words like “cost/benefit analysis” and “headcount” and basically is brought in to fire as many people as possible without causing the company to collapse under the weight of unoccupied cubicles. He tends to be a complete and utter bastard. Either way they can be tough to date and are also subject to feast-or-famine personal finances as a reflection of whether they currently have a contract or not.
Receptionist. Sorry, the PC terms are Executive Assistant or Administrative Assistant. However, as the title evolves the job and personality does not. These people typically are surrounded by dozens of people with way more money and power than they have and are usually pretty bitter about it. Males in this job can really only do it for a few years before either finding something better or killing themselves. They tend to be a little ego bruised and skittish, like an abused chiwawa. Women can do it for the entirety of their lives. If young they tend to be pretty hot and are (generally) hoping to marry someone with serious coin, so if you are not rolling in dough don’t waste your time. The real problem with this girl for nerds is it is terribly easy to fall into the trap of hanging out at her desk all day “flirting” with her. This will either get you into trouble at work with your supervisor or turn into you being her slave as she has you replace the water cooler bottle, get her coffee, and run stuff down to the mail room. If they are middle aged or older they tend to be bitter but shockingly efficient. They often revel in the minor power that comes with being the gatekeeper to the boss, and the reception area is their kingdom. As for dating them, if they are young and you qualify financially they tend to be a lot of fun and often have very pleasant voices. If not then they can be OK to date, but you can expect her boss to be her real boyfriend and you will hear a lot of stories about how everyone else in the company is an idiot.
That’s it for today. More of the same tomorrow. I have some really good ones lined up.
As for yesterdays question, Steampunk Abe Lincoln versus Steampunk Palin, there is no question in my mind that Lincoln would prevail. Not only does he have a built in mini gun but he actually had a brain. He successfully ran for President. He would also attack her with the North. (Steampunk Abe image courtesy of the political t shirts category)
The next question seems obvious until you think about it for a while; who would win in a fight between a ninja and a football team worth of zombies?
By an overwhelming margin of one vote (thanks, Gina) I will forgo my review of the movie Skyline and do more cheap dating ideas. Today we will cover the extremely juvenile movie theater marathon.
(I Hate Theater shirt courtesy of the political t-shirt category. Thank god I finally found a reason to crowbar one of my personal favorites in)
This date will only work if have a good enough feeling about the girl and her sense of humor to believe she will think this is funny, so realistically it is more of a second or third date. It also works less well if you are over the age of about 32, so keep this in mind. However, for the mid-20’s girl with the right sense of humor it can go really well.
Here’s how you preface it. You start off talking about movies and what is current. Then you say something like “You know what would be totally fun and completely like high school? If we went to the movies and snuck from one theater to the next.” Play up the flashback to high school aspect and make it seem like you are into it for the fun of it. For the right girl ti will seem like a funny adventure, and for the wrong girl it will be a good way to weed her out as she never talks to you again.
If she agrees, you get to see 2-4 movies for the price of one and can also pretend like you are actually doing something wild and crazy. IF you have never done the multi-theater trick you have either led a much more or much less privileged life than I have up until now, so I will give you some tips.
First of all, you should know that the owners of the theater don’t really care if you do this. The fact is they make hardly anything off the ticket price, in spite of the massive cost. Almost all of the ticket price goes to the studios and the distributors. The theater makes its money on selling you overpriced popcorn and soda. Also, easily 90% of the minimum wage drones also would have a hard time giving less of a crap. However, there is always one tool who thinks he will be the next great security guard or wants to kiss the managers ass. This is the guy you need to watch out for. Ironically he is almost always the one who looks like a total nerd, so be prepared to be betrayed by you own kind.
Planning is critical. Look at the schedule and try your best to not have a ton of time between films. Back in the day the theaters would schedule things so that this was really hard to do, but the fact that theaters don’t really care has made it a lot easier. It is important that you not be seen hanging out in the lobby for a huge amount of time. Bring a jacket and try to alternate between wearing it and not while moving from theater to theater. You can keep the theater happy by buying something every once in a while, although that will take away from your stated purpose of not spending money. It would behoove you to spend a couple minutes before the first movie to plan out your route as well as the route to the restrooms. Above all try to not get noticed up to but not including the point of wearing a disguise. Also, have a backup plan if Theater Johnny Law catches you and gives you the heave ho (I sometimes wonder where this term comes from. I think it has something to do with getting seasick and you’ve eaten too much ho). Some witty comments prepared ahead of time could be used to make you self look good. Spend a lot of time laughing and joking about how you haven’t done this in years (in spite of perhaps doing it the week before) and have a backup plan in case you do get the boot.
Also, the chance of getting kicked increases over time, so given a choice try to see the best movies first. Also the odds of anyone, even you, having the energy for 4 full movies is pretty slim, so don’t be surprised if she suggests cutting out after the 2nd or 3rd. Therefore try to see the sci-fi flick first.
I mentioned this before, but I think it warrants a little more in depth discussion. Something that can possibly come up on the first date is religion and politics. This is potentially a disaster. When I first mentioned it I said to avoid it unless you know your date agrees with you stay away, but upon reflection I have decided the best policy is to avoid it at all costs.
The thing is, most people are more or less afraid to discuss religion and politics (Ronald Reagan image courtesy of the political t shirt category) with relative strangers in fear if running into a fanatic for one side or the other. If you were to bring up the topic and declare your affiliation there is a very real chance she will agree with you in order to avoid a possible argument and/or scene, but inside she is cringing away and waiting for her escape call (more on the escape call later).
If, on the other hand, she brings either up there are a couple ways to deal with them. If, for example, she declares a religious belief that differs dramatically from your own (“Lately I’ve really been into Jashinism.”) the answer I usually come up with is something like “I’m more spiritual than anything else. I believe in a higher power but don’t ascribe to a specific religion.” This works brilliantly if she is herself not really committed to a specific church and considers herself spiritual, as like 90% of women seem to do (it also makes you seem deeper. Beats telling her your way of celebrating your spirituality is raiding ICC every Sunday). On the other hand, this will more or less bite you on the ass if she is a hard core fundamentalist, but really those girls are a massive pain to try to date (I think I will do a post later on about dating the god squad).
Politics is actually worse in it’s own way, since if you say you are are not committed to one side or the other you end up looking wishy washy. Really, your best bet is to hope that both you and she are typical of the area you met in and that you more or less agree. Honestly, wait until she brings it up. If she does odds are she is a crusader, which can work in your favor if you agree and hurt you if you don’t (or not. Women often find guys who disagree with them weirdly attractive. I don’t understand it myself, but have taken advantage of it). Again, however, avoid this topic until after you have seen her naked.
That’s it for now. Have a great day.